“Feels like I’m waken from the dead everyone’s been waiting on me. ‘Least
now I’ll never have to wonder
what it’s like to sleep a year
away”
Now
for all you Paramore fans out there, you know what’s happening! As for all the
Anti-Paramores, stay with me here. Now let me clarify that this song, although
is very catchy, is not particularly my favorite, but these two lines really
caught my attention while listening to it during recent months. The reason
being these lyrics explained my entire last year precisely. I had walked around
claiming I had been “Christian” but nowhere near did I walk like a true
follower of Christ. I never spoke the Word or reached out to serve the Lord. I
walked around attempting to take control of my life and seek my own will. Oh
boy, did the Lord in Heaven knock me on my butt and wake me up. God was like,
“It’s time to discipline you child!” All for my well being of course. Just as Janetteikz indicates in her poem “I
will wait” she says, “Arteries so clogged with my will, it blocked His will
from flowing through me. So I thank Christ that His blood pressure gave this
heart an attack, that flat lined my obscured vision, put me flat on my back.
Through my ignorance, He saw, so through my sternum He sawed and cracked open
my chest to transplant Psalms 51:10. A new heart and a renewed right spirit
within”. Throughout the duration of this blog prepare to read pieces of my
testimony being broken down bit by bit, along with other individuals as well. I
am Katrina Vance, a daughter of God and this is my first piece.
I
had spoken the Invitation prayer back in 2009 of March to accept Christ into my
heart and as my Savior. I had said the prayer a second time in 2010 of January
and I had said the prayer again in March of 2012. Catching on here? See every
time I had said the prayer; I obviously had no idea what I was doing or what I
was supposed to do afterwards. My behavior, my sin, my tendencies and my old
nature never budged. I hadn’t been like all of these “good” people sitting in
church next to me. I wanted Christ so badly but I just felt like I couldn’t
find Him. SO I decided to get baptized March 20th,2012 and finally
felt things are going to be different now. NOPE! I had been a lost little sheep
this past year! I mean what was I doing wrong? I was going to church, I was
reading my bible, I was “praying”, but man why did I keep falling back into
sin? Why was I still struggling with emotions? Why did I still feel so alone?
Why had I kept running into disappointments left and right? Why is it hard for
me to hope? Why am I struggling with depression and anxiety still? I mean I do
so well for a while and then I end up messing up again! There are so many rules
God! How do I follow them all? Why aren’t you answering me? Why why why?
Endless questions for God, but did I ever listen? I struggled deeply with
believing that God truly loved me unconditionally and had wanted the best for
me. It had been hard for me to grasp that he WANTED me and consistently pursued
me despite all the displeasing behavior I had continued.
Recently God had placed in a time of
trial in which I could never be more thankful for, due to myself finally being
woken up to the actual intimate presence of God. I’ll admit it hurt like heck
but I have never felt a greater love. I have never felt a God so close and so
passionately in love with Him. I had been sleeping this past year and God has
been calling me to wake up! For the past year I had been running to empty wells
just as the Samaritan woman at the well had been where she had a conversation
with Jesus. During my time of trial I found myself picturing this image, in
which I had my first real conversation with Jesus rather than a stale obligated
prayer. I had quality time with Jesus rather than a sermon of guidelines and
rules. In this time Jesus held his hands out full of the water of life in front
of my face to drink from and asked me to turn from the empty wells in my life.
My empty wells had been what the WORLD portrayed what is acceptable for one to
do or have. God wanted to renew my mind and at first during my heartbreak I
couldn’t see what God was doing. It wasn’t the first time I had been broken but
it took this last break to finally awake my heart to know the truth. I had been
lying completely flat on my back, looking nowhere but up. It was then he started having conversations
with me and I with Him. A RELATIONSHIP. Romans 12:2 Do not be conformed to this
world, but to be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you
may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and
perfect. It was in this time I felt
pain, suffering, confusion, testing, doubt, despair but I had also felt hope,
freedom, patience, discipline, obedience and the greatest love ever known. I
felt a Father, a friend, a husband, a redeemer, a brother, a savior and a true
acceptance of relationship with the one true King. Although I had been running
off trying to control my own life, God had pursued me constantly. Psalms 23:6 Surely
your goodness and unfailing love will pursue me all the days of my life. It was
May of 2013 I finally decided to accept His pursuit and His call. I wanted to
abandon my own will, abandon my own desires and finally seek what he knew had
been good for me. I had been broken many times before, but it took this final
break for me to give everything over to God. Let me say it has been the most
wonderful thing I have ever done. Matthew 16:24 Then Jesus said to his
disciples, “If any of you wants to be my follower, you must turn from your
selfish ways, take up your cross, and follow me”. It was then I began a true
beautiful journey with God in carrying out HIS plans for my life. No longer did
I testify falsely due to being anxious of acceptance of the world. No longer
did I live chained to depression, anxiety, old nature sins, empty wells, and
living for man, bitterness, hopelessness, doubt, confusion or loneliness. I no
longer desire to live the “quiet life” yet I am ready to proclaim my testimony
and be a witness for God’s glory! I had been scared of my story before but now
I rejoice in it. For it shows the true transformation in my heart and the work
that the Lord has started.
I find it sort of amusing how God
put this blog on my heart. I had been in my car crying over a recent heartbreak
in front of a Panda Express and a rush of ideas came to my heart. God does work
in mysterious ways I must say. These ideas gave me overwhelming joy and so many
hopeful images of the future. This rush of feelings and thoughts I knew had to
be the Holy Spirit. In this I found peace. God has called me to write and to
speak of his love. With Him by my side I am no longer afraid. He pressed 1
Timothy 4:12 heavily on my heart: Don’t let anyone look down on you because you
are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in conduct, in love,
in faith and in purity. It’s time for me to wake up, step out and speak. Stay
tuned for future pieces of my testimony.
